


Rumblings from the Nethers

by Mini_Goat



Series: Balderdash [7]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Best Friends, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Food Poisoning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23666407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mini_Goat/pseuds/Mini_Goat
Summary: A routine mission for SG-1 turns tragically wrong to comedic effect
Series: Balderdash [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1449475
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	Rumblings from the Nethers

**Author's Note:**

> What happens when you get food poisoning during quarantine? You write a story about it.

They were about a day’s walk from the gate. Jack told Daniel it was his turn to cook after Jack had to dig a latrine out of solid clay that hadn’t been rained on in over a week. Daniel had shrugged. The ruins weren’t going anywhere and they were there to see if it was worth sending another team out to get more photos and rubbings for Daniel.

Sam was helping Teal’c set up the fire pit and find a couple logs to sit on or against.

Daniel just shrugged. “Sure.” He told Jack who was dusty and tired and out of sorts. He grabbed the packet of MREs from Teal’s kit and started warming them up.

Jack flopped dramatically on one of the logs. He was covered in dust. “I hate clay.” He groaned.

Sam sat in front of the log and handed him her canteen.

Jack took a long swig and gave her an arch look. “Peach tea Carter?” He said softly as he handed it back to her.

Sam put a finger to her lips and grinned a little.

Jack chuckled and laid back on the log, flopping his arms dramatically over the sides.

“Are you well O’Neill?” Teal’c asked him.

“I’m fine T. Got any ibuprophen?”

“I do not O’Neill. Perhaps Major Carter has some?”

Jack gave Sam a hopeful look. “I’ll trade you my chocolate bar.” He offered.

She smiled softly at him. “Here.” She told him and fished a foil pack out of her flak vest pocket and handed him back the canteen.

Daniel ignored their low grade flirtation and warmed up the packs of food. He handed Teal’c his first who had plopped down on the empty log.

“Is there another choice Daniel Jackson?”

“Sorry, looks like, ah, all we have is Chicken a la king.”

Jack sighed dramatically.

“It’s not ham sir.” She told him.

“It’s the only thing less appetizing than the ham.” He groaned.

“Okay… dramatic much?” Daniel huffed as he handed Jack his meal.

“Have you tried it yet Spacemonkey?” Jack said with a grumble and poked at the gelatinous concoction.

Daniel shrugged as he handed one to Sam who made a face but took her meal.

“Come on. How bad can it b—“ Daniel’s horrified expression was priceless as he clamped down on the fork full of unrecognizable grey meat, soggy noodles and snot like texture and taste of the gravy.

Sam giggled. “What’s the matter Daniel?” She asked him innocently as she plowed a few bites in.

“How… can you eat that?” He asked her, horrified.

“If you eat it faster, you don’t notice the texture as much.” She told him helpfully and shoveled in a few more bites.

Jack and Teal’c picked at theirs in spite of their hunger.

They sat around playing poker until the sun set and Jack Daniel and Sam hit the sack while Teal’c took first watch.

Around 0400 local time, Sam ran out of the tent for the latrine and retching sounds were heard by the guys. Daniel and Teal’c were already up and Jack stumbled out of the tent, a worried frown on his face.

Daniel and Teal’c both gave Jack accusatory looks.

“What?” Jack snapped.

“Something you need to tell the class Jack?” Daniel said mildly.

“Daniel, what the hell are you talking about?” Jack huffed.

“Nothing.” Daniel said in a falsely innocent voice.

Jack frowned deeply. Not that it hadn’t crossed his mind but no. The numbers didn’t add up anyway and she was getting depo shots on Janet’s orders.

Sam came back looking miserable and sat on the log next to Jack, feeling as pathetic as she looked. Jack handed her a canteen. This one only had water in it.

Sam swished out her mouth and spit before swallowing a few sips.

“You all right Sam?”

Sam shook her head, gave him a sideways look to the inquiry in his eyes and shook her head more emphatically.

“Bad MRE sir.” She said.

“Well they don’t call it chicken al a death for nothing.” He agreed and got up to find the pack of saltines he had somewhere.

Daniel didn’t seem very convinced and gave Sam the side eye. She stared him down though, daring him to ask. Daniel backed down first and went hunting for the protein bars for breakfast. Or would have if he hadn’t suddenly turned green and run for the latrine.

“Told yah.” Sam said softly and grimaced. “Oh no.” She got a horrified look on her face and ran back to the latrine tugging at her belt.

“Hey!” Daniel shouted as she shoved him off the makeshift seat Jack had assembled from local logs and almost didn’t make it before her bowls voided with a liquid torrent.

Jack sat with interest as his second and his best friend hunkered down at the hole. “Glad I dug that as deep as I did.” Jack said.

Sam finally came back looking miserable.

Teal’c looked at her in concern. “Should we not break camp O’Neill?”

Jack looked at Sam and Daniel who was returning with the same miserable expression on his face. “I don’t think they are in any condition Teal’c.” Jack said thoughtfully.

Sam and Daniel looked at each other than Jack.

“Let’s make them as comfortable as we can until it wears off I guess.” Jack said. He headed for the tent to grab his bedding so they had something soft to huddle on. “Oh hell.” He muttered and dropped the sleeping bag to run for the latrine himself.

Teal’c picked up the bedding and finished the job Jack had started. When he returned, Teal’c handed him a canteen. “I shall return to the Gate and bring back help O’Neill.” He told the other man as Jack spat the first sip of water into the grass at his feet.

“Yah.” Jack said nodding.

“Sit with the others O’Neill. I will return swiftly.”

“Gonna feel like years.” Jack mumbled but patted the large Jaffa on the arm before sitting between Sam and Daniel who both promptly leaned on him miserably.

“All right, here’s the plan. We can’t all use the latrine so Carter, it’s yours. Daniel, while you’re still under your own power find a rock you can hunch over somewhere at least half a click away. Otherwise the smell is going to kill us all.” Jack admitted.

Daniel got up to try to find a spot to lose his dinner from last night.

“How you holding up Carter?”

Sam sighed then chuckled tiredly. “Daniel thought I was pregnant, didn’t he?”

Jack grinned in spite of himself. “Yup. Right up until he had to make his own run for the facilities.”

“You did too.” She said, shoving him lightly in amusement.

“Hey, the math doesn’t work but it could happen.”

“Nope, Janet would catch anything more than a couple weeks along when my hCG levels started spiking.”

“Ah, yah the math is wrong.” He agreed. He slung his arm over her shoulder and tucked her against him.

“Would you have been upset?” She asked him, curious.

“Nope.” He said immediately and with finality. “You?”

“Hell of a way to get kicked out.” She grumbled.

“They need you. It’s me they would kick out unless they think they need me too in which case they would just move you to a project off base, force us to get married, and drag you right back after maternity leave.”

Sam laughed. “That never made sense to me. You might make a bad command decision if I’m your girlfriend... but not your wife. What does that tell you about the relationship some of those men have with their spouses?”

Jack kissed her forehead. “So Carter… Want to give them a reason to force us to get married?” He quipped.

Sam’s eyes went wide and she jumped up. “I need to…” And she fled for the latrine.

Jack decided he better find his own rock just in case though it seemed he wasn’t as bad off as Daniel or Sam. He picked up one of the empty packs from last night and turned it over. It had expired more than three years ago.

“I’m going to kick the ass of whoever packed expired MREs.” He muttered and wandered off in search of a handy place to puke.

**Author's Note:**

> No I'm not better yet. This sucks.


End file.
